unordered:
1. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
2. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
3. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
4. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
5. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
7. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
8. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
9. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
10. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
11. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
12. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
15. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
16. Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
17. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
18. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, as hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing
20. The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
21. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
22. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
24. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
25. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
26. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
27. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
28. If Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the fuck down.
29. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
30. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
31. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
32. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
33. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
34. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
35. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
36. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
37. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
38. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
39. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
40. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
41. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
42. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
43. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
44. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
45. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
46. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
47. Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
48. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
49.Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
50. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
51. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
52. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
53. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
54. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
55. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
56. Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
Repeat!! 57. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
58. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
59. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Jeep.
60. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
61. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
62. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
63. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
64. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
65. Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
66. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will become handicapped if you park there.
67. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
68. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
69. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
70. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
71. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
72. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
73. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
74. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
75. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
76. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
77. Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
78. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eyes.
79. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
80. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
81. Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
82. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
83. Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
84. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following him. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
85. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
86. Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just does what Chuck Norris says.
87. There is no theory of evolution. Just a short list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
88. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
89. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
90. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
91. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
92. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
93. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
94. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
95. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
96. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
97. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
98. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
99. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
100. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.